I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
'The Lorax,'...it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Americans are desperately, here on the West Coast, buying up and hoarding iodine pills... Isn't it great that in a land that… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
People, especially the liberals, just live in this world where if anything is said that offends anybody even a little bit, not… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I’m supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech -… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald's and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If the Hamas people had the opportunity, they would kill the maximum number of Israelis, which would be all. And, Israel has… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. — Bill Maher Copy Share
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share
