Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony,… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
