As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast.… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share
