A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. ' — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born. — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the… — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter… — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back… — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather. — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I… — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything—sing,… — Red Skelton Copy Share Image
