“On Yard Work "What are you doing with that rake?... No, that is not raking… What? Different styles of raking? No there is one style, and then there's bullshit. Guess which one you're doing.” — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Someday you’re gonna go stupid for a woman. And when you do, do me this one favor: don’t get all caught up in the… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On My Interest in Smoking Cigars “You’re not a cigar guy…. Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On my seventh birthday party: No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On Packing My Own Lunch You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit…No, I said if you packed it… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
