Play Quotes by Stewart Francis

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me

— Stewart Francis

I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, afterall they've made their choice

— Stewart Francis

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

— Stewart Francis

Allyson Smith reminds me of a younger, prettier, funnier me. Now if you'll excuse me, the ladies from my bridge club have arrived.

— Stewart Francis

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

— Stewart Francis

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles... which sounds so much better than "alcoholic."

— Stewart Francis

So what if I can't spell Armaggedon? ... it's not the end of the world.

— Stewart Francis

I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified

— Stewart Francis

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

— Stewart Francis

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West

— Stewart Francis

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.

— Stewart Francis

Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.

— Stewart Francis