They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
I used to be a columnist for 'Golf Monthly' and have contributed articles for national newspapers based on the humour that is in abundance… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
The impact of T.V. on our lives in general gets most things out of proportion. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
When I hit the scene, there was Billy Connolly and Max Boyce. It was all mother-in-law and Irish jokes, and we broke the mould.… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a… — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
I was never the class clown, and I've no idea where the comedy came from. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson. — Jasper Carrott Copy Share Image
