I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
That's the problem in my industry. Anyone can go and open a f - ing hotel. Anyone can go and buy a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We set up a bakery called Bad Boy Bakery, to cook on the inside to sell on the outside. It was huge,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
