Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?' — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race! — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Even somebody like Bill Clinton, who I happen to admire very much, the second he was out of office, I remember, he… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital. So… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because I have been saying, for the longest time, that president Bush must set… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. — Bill Maher Copy Share
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share
