You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field,… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you. — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know? — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because'… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape.… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Superhero power... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that. I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam.… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things… — Brian Regan Copy Share
If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The… — Brian Regan Copy Share
I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't… — Brian Regan Copy Share
The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a… — Brian Regan Copy Share
Relevance is kind of a weird thing. If one does topical material, it makes sense to want to be relevant. But if someone talks… — Brian Regan Copy Share
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge." — Brian Regan Copy Share
You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage… — Brian Regan Copy Share
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds… — Brian Regan Copy Share
“I" before "E" except after "C" and when sounding like "A" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout… — Brian Regan Copy Share
I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how… — Brian Regan Copy Share
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say? — Brian Regan Copy Share
