My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't… — Milton Berle Copy Share
