If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ? — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you. — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
You might think the word "homemade" is just a word we use as a marketing ploy. But what you don't realize is… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Writers tend to work early in the morning, or late at night, when brains are naturally able to focus deeply on one… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks.… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The best plan now is to have as many bosses as possible. I call it boss diversity. If you work for a… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
For our purposes, let’s say a goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods.… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The children are our future. And that is why, ultimately, we're screwed unless we do something about it. If you haven't noticed,… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really,… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The surest way to identify those who won't succeed at weight loss is that they tend to say things like "My goal… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically,… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. — Scott Adams Copy Share
“If you think your odds of solving your problem are bad, don’t rule out the possibility that what is really happening is that you… — Scott Adams Copy Share
Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue. — Scott Adams Copy Share
“If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. It sounds trivial and obvious, but if you unpack the idea it has… — Scott Adams Copy Share
For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson. — Scott Adams Copy Share
“Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don’t let it leave until I extract that value.” — Scott Adams Copy Share
“On all the important stuff, we are emotional creatures who make decisions first and rationalize them after the fact.” — Scott Adams Copy Share
“What you rarely see is a stillborn failure that transmogrifies into a stellar success. Small successes can grow into big ones, but failures rarely… — Scott Adams Copy Share
“Because everything you perceive is a metaphor for something your brain is not equipped to fully understand. God is as real as the clothes… — Scott Adams Copy Share
“Capitalism is rotten at every level, and yet it adds up to something extraordinarily useful for society over time. The paradox of capitalism is… — Scott Adams Copy Share
The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but… — Scott Adams Copy Share
If you see voters as rational, you'll be a terrible politician. People are not wired to be rational. Our brains simply evolved to keep… — Scott Adams Copy Share
![“I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.” quote by Scott Adams](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/71d/scott-adams-666_butlers_i-was-surprised-to-learn-that-doing-hous_392613.jpg)
