People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
