“My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down. 'So. How was practice?' he asked 'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool. 'Son, no offense, but you play… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“Someday you’re gonna go stupid for a woman. And when you do, do me this one favor: don’t get all caught up in the… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“On My Interest in Smoking Cigars “You’re not a cigar guy…. Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“On my seventh birthday party: No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern Copy Share
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern Copy Share
On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“On Packing My Own Lunch You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit…No, I said if you packed it… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. — Justin Halpern Copy Share
People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
“On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card “Hot damn! You’re a smart kid—I don’t care what people say about you!…I’m kidding, nobody says… — Justin Halpern Copy Share
