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Humor Quotes by Jim Norton

38 Humor quotes by Jim Norton

All Humor quotes Jim Norton’s page

I don’t wear rubbers cause you can’t catch it twice, a line that mixes crude sarcasm with self‑deprecation. The quotes pile on absurd insults, from wishing someone drinks leukemia to calling a friend a “bag of meat.” They also poke fun at everyday quirks, like a carpet ruined by a sneeze.

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I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

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I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

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You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

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Language in comedy is very violent.

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My job is to be funny.

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I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

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I'd like to get my own TV show on, whether it's a talk show or a comedy, that I write.

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I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

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The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

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There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

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Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

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I love everything about Boston. The women are phenomenal, they're all dirty. It's just a really great place to do comedy.

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I don't think any comedy is ever shocking. I don't buy that. That's just what people brand it, when someone is saying…

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You know, a comedian's comedian is just that - it's a guy who's original and funny and can make comics laugh.

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I love Philly so much. I know that at any time, any place, a fight can break out. Those are great comedy…

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I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

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What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

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I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

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The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The…

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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You…

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God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever…

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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy…

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And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with…

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I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great.…

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Realize that doing comedy is only going to make your depression worse.

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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

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I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

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Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

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That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

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I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

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For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

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What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

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The biggest killer to funny is hyper sensitivity to certain subject matter and Montreal is as guilty of that as L.A. or…

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For me, a good comedy town is filled with people on the verge of a riot. They need something to relieve the…

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You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

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More by Jim Norton

I unloaded trucks for a living and I hated it.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

I wanted to do a talk show that reminded me of the old school ones I loved as a kid, without all the fake…

It's surreal to be hanging out on Ozzy's patio with him talking politics. It's so funny when people doubt that he's with it because…

If someone doesn't like a comedian that's fine; a lot of people probably don't like my standup, and that's fine. But I think that…

I figure I do a lot of things, none of them particularly well.

With 'Mouthful of Shame,' all of my fans or the majority of them said it's the best thing you've ever done and that meant…

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far…

Comedians want honest discussion because it affects us. We make our living talking, so anything around language affects us greatly.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

Ozzy Osbourne is one of my favorite interviews, he's so good.

People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's…

Anyone who can't tell the difference between a joke and hate speech is just stupid.