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Humor Quotes by Dylan Moran

60 Humor quotes by Dylan Moran

All Humor quotes Dylan Moran’s page

Dylan Moran jokes that we should stay as alive as possible until we’re totally dead, turning life’s end into a punchline. He points out that laughter has its own social rules, like a secret license to say “ha ha.” He also mixes odd food cravings and wild descriptions of kids, making everyday moments feel wildly funny.

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I do pauses, pauses work for me

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You look like a horse in a man costume

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Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

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You exaggerate your own reactions.

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It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

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I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

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Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

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“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”

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Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

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Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

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The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty

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Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

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You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

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Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

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We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

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You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

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Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's…

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I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over,…

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I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have…

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What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They…

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If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a…

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I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof…

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I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables…

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Then you get these articles about how unhealthy life is in the city. You know; mobile phone tumours - far more likely…

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You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical…

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There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well…

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You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going…

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Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on…

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I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that…

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“And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get,…

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People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a…

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Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or…

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Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

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Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

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I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

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I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it…

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I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

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He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

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Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

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Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

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More by Dylan Moran

“You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.”

America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work…

The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they…

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you…

If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok,…

Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now

I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised…

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is…

The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after…

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.

I think I still get something from the original broadcaster but I'm certainly not aware of any Netflix van driving to my house and…

People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of…

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a…