The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight! — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
All kinds of things have gone into my shows - cajun and rock bands, Bollywood, Kraftwerk tributes, effects and so on. As… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
It's a lovely moment when everyone's part of something greater than the sum of its parts. That encapsulates what a comedy gig… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Now, with the success of musical comedy like the Mighty Boosh, Flight of the Conchords and Bo Burnham, I feel vindicated. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but… — Bill Bailey Copy Share
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
I did a show in this tiny town called Longyearbyen. We went snowmobiling around Svalbard and saw Arctic foxes, snow bunting, polar bear footprints… — Bill Bailey Copy Share
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment… — Bill Bailey Copy Share
I am pretty laid-back as a parent, but I do like a lot of activity. So I am constantly suggesting things to do that… — Bill Bailey Copy Share
I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
You spend a lot more time on your own as an only child. And there's space to allow your imagination to take flight. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
My mother was a classic matriarchal figure. She'd sing round the house and always had music on. — Bill Bailey Copy Share
