Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share
