I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
