I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
