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Funny Quotes by Demetri Martin

63 Funny quotes by Demetri Martin

All Funny quotes Demetri Martin’s page

Demetri Martin jokes about everyday absurdities, turning a tax label into a punchline and calling skiing the only sport that looks better when you’re bad at it. He draws funny pictures like a pie chart of procrastination and plays with words such as ‘finger puppet’ and cannibal food fights.

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I love Steven Wright.

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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

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It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

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I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names

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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

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A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

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Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for…

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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same…

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I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have…

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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't…

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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

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Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to…

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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having…

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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as…

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Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at…

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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,…

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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're…

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I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So…

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When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.…

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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

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If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

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Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

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Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

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I think the Worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades

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This is a pie chart about procrastination.

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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

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I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.…

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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

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Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…

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More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.