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Funny Quotes by Daniel Tosh

51 Funny quotes by Daniel Tosh

All Funny quotes Daniel Tosh’s page

Daniel Tosh jokes about tossing a McDouble in the air and shouting ‘Let the Hunger Games begin!’ He also pokes fun at his own book signing, saying he hasn’t written a book yet, and makes edgy remarks about topics like marriage. His humor mixes absurdity with self‑deprecation.

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Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

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It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

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I can say that. I have a television show.

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It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

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You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

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How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

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I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

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Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!

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I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

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I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

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I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

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Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

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Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind…

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I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter…

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Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or…

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I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

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I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award…

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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond…

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I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material.…

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It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's…

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I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on…

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I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this…

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Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle…

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Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about…

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I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance…

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I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to…

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I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

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I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

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The dumb blonde stereotype only applies to girls. Blond guys aren't dumb, they are evil like in The Karate Kid or WWII.

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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

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You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

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Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.

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I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

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The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

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Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

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I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money…

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More by Daniel Tosh

Throwing a McDouble in the air at a fat camp and shouting, LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid…

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least…

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world…

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching…

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die...not sorry.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole…

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not…

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked.…

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.