I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
