About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic! — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
