If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere. — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever. — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you've driven, and then you're like, 'Oh, I was doing something for… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school. — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it's weird. There are over… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you're missing something by abandoning sitting down to write entirely. — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit. — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show, but you… — Tom Segura Copy Share Image
