Colbert Report Quotes by Alexandra Petri

They will wrest 'dull words' from my cold dead hands.

— Alexandra Petri

Standup comedy was my weird hobby. I would drag my poor parents out to the only open mics that were in coffee shops instead…

— Alexandra Petri

You can be brilliant in some ways and despicable in others. You can be a clean, upright, moral individual in your private life who…

— Alexandra Petri

Almost nothing anyone told me about Harvard has been accurate.

— Alexandra Petri

Success is like food caught in your teeth: much more noticeable when it happens to other people. If it happens to you, other people…

— Alexandra Petri

I majored in extracurriculars, honestly. I joined the Harvard Stand Up Comedy Society, which is a ragtag band of misfits. I wrote for 'On…

— Alexandra Petri

Dull words are what make many bright sentences shine. They do not call attention to themselves.

— Alexandra Petri

Bills ought to be passed with deliberation by committees. Change should be achieved in a bipartisan manner. Incrementally, day by day, we should reach…

— Alexandra Petri

Although no one explicitly wants a president who could have a reliable fall back career in stand-up comedy, everyone shudders at the thought of…

— Alexandra Petri

George Washington didn't have to make us laugh; he just had to establish precedents and avoid chopping down more cherry trees than he could…

— Alexandra Petri

At Harvard, people like to impart the idea that you are a mover and shaker.

— Alexandra Petri

It's easier to find the joke in something when you think, 'This - this is ridiculous.'

— Alexandra Petri