I want to leave all my friends and the sunlight for a…

“It suddenly occurred to me that, after all that frolicking in the meadows, he hadn't kissed me. Was it because of the mold that…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“Allow me," said the elf, proffering Gimlet's beard to Frito, who was now sneezing uncontrollably.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“As soon as we were inside, Edwart's family rushed to greet me. What seemed like thirty people circled me, chattering away. "Oh my god,…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“So all this time you thought I was a vampire? ' Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to the left. 'Sure,' I…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“Nice piano," I said. "Do you play?" "oh no, but Edwart does!" Eva Mullen said. "A little," Edwart said sheepishly. "Go ahead, play!" Eva…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“Elf-dog," hissed Gimlet, retrieving his beard. "Pig of a dwarf," suggested Legolam. "Toymaker." "Gold-digger.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“I balked. Another vampire? I guess it made sense; the states of the Pacific Northwest were known for their lenient monster laws.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“How about we walk back? Through the cemetery ?' One thing my mom had taught me is that it's difficult to refuse requests made…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“picked!” I reply. I can’t stand Badge. She’s so stuck-up.”

— The Harvard Lampoon

“You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's; GI Joes…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross. "Ironic, huh?" Edwart…

— The Harvard Lampoon

“All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing out for, slowly…

— The Harvard Lampoon