I must speak the truth, and nothing but the truth.

Friends are the fruitcake of life - some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet.

— Jon Ronson

“You are nuttier than a fruitcake, that’s what you are!”

— L.T. Suzuki

“Wonderful. Gives a whole new meaning to flour power. You'll undoubtedly change the world, one fruitcake at a time.”

— Kimberly Frost

“It is amazing how the world can change, he thought, during the life span of a fruitcake.”

— Robert M. Edsel

You little fruitcake, you little fruitcake, I said you are a fruitcake.

— Pete Stark

I would eat fruitcake if there'd been a nuclear war and I'd run out of canned goods.

— Deb Caletti

“A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of…

— John Grisham

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you…

— Phyllis Diller

We need more fruitcakes in this world and less bakers! We need people that care! I'm mad as hell! And I don't want to…

— Jimmy Buffett

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the…

— Erma Bombeck

Most people don't ever want to use a gun to protect themselves - that's the last thing they want to do - but if…

— Murphy J. Foster, Jr

I didn't believe in systems. Everything human was imperfect and ultimately absurd. What did I believe in then? In humor. In laughing at systems,…

— Erica Jong

The joke may be that no one likes fruitcake, but if that were the case, they wouldn't appear on store shelves every holiday season!

— Harley Pasternak

Once upon a time there was a girl who discovered that if she played a certain tune on a jade flute, she could summon…

— Ursula Vernon

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

— Johnny Carson