When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to…
““When parents are shame-based and needy, they are unable to take over the mirroring narcissistic function for the child. Furthermore, the fact that the parents are shame-based is a clear signal that they never got their own narcissistic supplies. Such parents are adult children who are still in search of a parent or an object who will be totally available to them. For such parents, the most appropriate objects of narcissistic gratification are their own children. Again Alice Miller writes: A newborn baby is completely dependent on his parents and since their caring is essential for his existence, he does all he can to avoid losing them. From the very first day onward, he will muster all his resources to this end, like a small plant that turns toward the sun in order to survive. What the shame-based mother was unable to find in her own mother she finds in her own children. The child is always at her disposal. A child cannot run away as her own mother did. A child can be used as an echo, is completely centered on her, will never desert her, can be totally controlled, and offers full admiration and absorbed attention.””
About This Quote
This interpretation was drafted with AI assistance. It is one reading of the quote, not the author's own explanation.
Shame‑based parents project unmet needs onto children, turning them into sources of narcissistic supply.
In simple terms: Parents use kids to fill their own emotional gaps.
Key Takeaway
Recognize and break unhealthy family patterns.
Themes
shame
parenting
narcissism
boundaries
Mood
analytical
empathetic
Type
therapeutic
educational
When to use this quote
- counseling
- parenting workshops
- personal therapy
Key Concepts
psychodynamic theory
family systems
Questions to Reflect On
- What boundaries can you set with family?
- How do you nurture your own emotional needs?
A Different Perspective
Changing deep‑seated family dynamics is often painful and slow.