Youre fattening faster than youre aging. Youre like the…

It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.

— Jeff Ross

You ever had your heart broken, Larry? What was his name?

— Jeff Ross

You know you're white bread, Carson, right? You shit croutons.

— Jeff Ross

I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I…

— Jeff Ross

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

— Jeff Ross

Some people say Larry the Cable Guys only successful because hes pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting peoples racist…

— Jeff Ross

Folks, Jerry Stiller has the face of a star and that star is Lassie!

— Jeff Ross

I don't think you cross the line - I think you move the line.

— Jeff Ross

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.

— Jeff Ross

People are roasting each other at parties, at work events, around the fire. It's so fun. People are busting each other's chops, and it's…

— Jeff Ross

Comedians second-guessing themselves is scary. Poor taste is not a crime and we can't forget that.

— Jeff Ross

Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and…

— Jeff Ross

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped…

— Jeff Ross

You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys…

— Jeff Ross

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

— Jeff Ross