Tom Upton

“just plain weird.”

— Tom Upton

Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.

— Tom Upton

“If everything is perfect, nobody has to say a word.”

— Tom Upton

Apparently I couldn’t even pretend to be normal.

— Tom Upton

“UNDERTAKER!” the head boomed. “BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU!”

— Tom Upton

I just love things that serve a duel purpose.

— Tom Upton

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.

— Tom Upton

“Poor kid-- all she’d wanted to do was get her teeth fixed. ”

— Tom Upton

Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything.

— Tom Upton

Every time there was an unspoken promise that this would be the last time, but it would only be the last time…

— Tom Upton

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

— Tom Upton

Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?

— Tom Upton

“Your dad and I have been talking.” “You need to stop that. The marriage will last longer.”

— Tom Upton

“All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.”

— Tom Upton

It is not easy being trapped in a school that is caught between cornfields and cows.

— Tom Upton

“We’re here to take over the world-- that’s why we’re starting here in Hamilton, Indiana-- the nerve center of the entire planet.”

— Tom Upton

“...It’s pretty simple, really: having fun can only led to having more fun-- it cannot led to injury, pain, or dismemberment.”

— Tom Upton

An idiot will do anything, no matter how stupid, because he is afraid of what everybody will think of him if he…

— Tom Upton

You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether…

— Tom Upton

“I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does…

— Tom Upton

“It wasn’t human nature to leave things alone. It was normal for people to try to fix things that didn’t need to…

— Tom Upton

“the landing the old man started to murmur, “Cold, cold water,” but neither one of us took much notice. “You know I…

— Tom Upton

“It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without…

— Tom Upton

“know I nearly got her,” Ricky said in a mischievous way. “Yeah?” “Yeah,” he swore. “What happened?” A look of disdain passed…

— Tom Upton

“You can’t believe in fate only when it sends you something you want, only when things turn out right. You have to…

— Tom Upton

“see on a cameo-- and her body wasn’t bad, either. For some reason, though, Ricky, lately, had lost interest in her. “Don’t…

— Tom Upton

“with great disdain. “She had this-- I never saw anything like it. You know, it wasn’t anything like the girls you’d see…

— Tom Upton

“moment to answer. He looked over the railing at our small backyard, which, no matter how our mother tried to dress up…

— Tom Upton

“Just then Angie rushed back into the kitchen. I was stunned at how she was dressed. She had on a dressy long-sleeved…

— Tom Upton

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

— Tom Upton

I figured it is always better to be unpopular by your own choice.

— Tom Upton

I really should come with a warning label.

— Tom Upton

“If it were a gun,” I said, “I would’ve already taken it out and shot you.”

— Tom Upton

“Never believe what they say; they always lie. I have a saying: Whatever they say, do the opposite, and you’ll never go…

— Tom Upton

Maybe anything that anybody ever has is for now. What happened before is gone, and what will happen later is an illusion.

— Tom Upton

“Some people are born to weirdness,” Jerry said, “and others have weirdness thrust upon them.”

— Tom Upton

“ "Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope." ”

— Tom Upton

If you just go with the flow, no matter what weird things happen along the way, you always end up exactly where…

— Tom Upton

“I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.”

— Tom Upton

“I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

— Tom Upton