know I nearly got her,” Ricky said in a mischievous way…

I figured it is always better to be unpopular by your own choice.

— Tom Upton

“All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.”

— Tom Upton

Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?

— Tom Upton

Every time there was an unspoken promise that this would be the last time, but it would only be the last time until the…

— Tom Upton

“the landing the old man started to murmur, “Cold, cold water,” but neither one of us took much notice. “You know I nearly got…

— Tom Upton

“I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness…

— Tom Upton

I just love things that serve a duel purpose.

— Tom Upton

“I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

— Tom Upton

“If everything is perfect, nobody has to say a word.”

— Tom Upton

“UNDERTAKER!” the head boomed. “BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU!”

— Tom Upton

“...It’s pretty simple, really: having fun can only led to having more fun-- it cannot led to injury, pain, or dismemberment.”

— Tom Upton

“I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.”

— Tom Upton

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.

— Tom Upton

“We’re here to take over the world-- that’s why we’re starting here in Hamilton, Indiana-- the nerve center of the entire planet.”

— Tom Upton

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

— Tom Upton