When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. — Lisa Lampanelli Apprentice Copy Share Image
I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' — Lisa Lampanelli Being Copy Share Image
If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him. — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. — Lisa Lampanelli Gangster Copy Share Image
I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. — Lisa Lampanelli Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. — Lisa Lampanelli Comic Copy Share Image
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. — Lisa Lampanelli Dog Copy Share Image
I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. — Lisa Lampanelli Audience Copy Share Image
I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks… — Lisa Lampanelli Dog Copy Share Image
I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage,… — Lisa Lampanelli Anger Copy Share Image
I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the… — Lisa Lampanelli Diet Copy Share Image
Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine,… — Lisa Lampanelli Hate Copy Share Image
I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic.… — Lisa Lampanelli Choice Copy Share Image
When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I… — Lisa Lampanelli Comedy Copy Share Image
My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything… — Lisa Lampanelli Animal Copy Share Image
In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain… — Lisa Lampanelli Art Copy Share Image
Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me,… — Lisa Lampanelli Day Copy Share Image
Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let… — Lisa Lampanelli Birth Copy Share Image
Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy… — Lisa Lampanelli Art Copy Share Image
I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. — Lisa Lampanelli Feelings Copy Share Image
I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny… — Lisa Lampanelli Comedy Copy Share Image
A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there. — Lisa Lampanelli Comedy Copy Share Image
I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure… — Lisa Lampanelli God Copy Share Image
If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that. — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook. — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have… — Lisa Lampanelli Breakdown Copy Share Image
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years. — Lisa Lampanelli Comedy Copy Share Image
I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever. — Lisa Lampanelli Actor Copy Share Image
What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that. — Lisa Lampanelli Life Copy Share Image
When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
What we do as comics can be a service to people. It can make them laugh and take their mind off their… — Lisa Lampanelli Comics Copy Share Image
The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire. — Lisa Lampanelli Fire Copy Share Image
