Larry David

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

— Larry David

I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.

— Larry David

I don't like people cleaning my room.

— Larry David

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

— Larry David

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

— Larry David

I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.

— Larry David

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

— Larry David

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

— Larry David

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush…

— Larry David

I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.

— Larry David

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

— Larry David

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

— Larry David

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

— Larry David

Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.

— Larry David

“The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear,…

— LARRY DAVID

“When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have…

— Larry David

“I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.…

— Larry David

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids…

— Larry David

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have…

— Larry David

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught…

— Larry David

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out,…

— Larry David

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any…

— Larry David

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.

— Larry David

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

— Larry David

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

— Larry David

“An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole”

— Larry David

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

— Larry David

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

— Larry David

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

— Larry David

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

— Larry David

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

— Larry David

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

— Larry David

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

— Larry David

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

— Larry David

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

— Larry David

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

— Larry David

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

— Larry David

My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.

— Larry David

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

— Larry David

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

— Larry David