Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

— Johnny Carson

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and…

— Johnny Carson

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't…

— Johnny Carson

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes,…

— Johnny Carson

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't…

— Johnny Carson

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

— Johnny Carson

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

— Johnny Carson

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do…

— Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.…

— Johnny Carson

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In…

— Johnny Carson

The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's…

— Johnny Carson

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in…

— Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

— Johnny Carson

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch…

— Johnny Carson

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

— Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

— Johnny Carson

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't…

— Johnny Carson

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

— Johnny Carson

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional.…

— Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

— Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he…

— Johnny Carson

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I…

— Johnny Carson

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and…

— Johnny Carson

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever…

— Johnny Carson

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some…

— Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and…

— Johnny Carson

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a…

— Johnny Carson

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you…

— Johnny Carson

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed…

— Johnny Carson

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with…

— Johnny Carson

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

— Johnny Carson

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

— Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each…

— Johnny Carson

People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

— Johnny Carson

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready.…

— Johnny Carson

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status,…

— Johnny Carson