Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of… — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a… — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and… — Johnny Carson Copy Share
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a… — Johnny Carson Copy Share
I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The… — Johnny Carson Copy Share
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.' — Johnny Carson Copy Share
The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. — Johnny Carson Copy Share
