You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the Worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
