My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am? — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting.… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share
