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Thinking Quotes by Demetri Martin

56 Thinking quotes by Demetri Martin

All Thinking quotes Demetri Martin’s page

‘I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.’ Demetri Martin shares quirky jokes about ordinary objects, like naming the orange before the carrot. He also notes that deep focus can make time feel strange, and that daydreaming fuels much of his humor.

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I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

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I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

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I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

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I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just…

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I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat…

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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

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I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little…

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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place…

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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't…

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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics…

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I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're…

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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.…

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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

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The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's…

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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then,…

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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I…

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I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less…

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I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I…

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Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

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I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

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I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

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I think they named the orange before the carrot.

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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do…

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I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the…

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A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking…

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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really…

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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed…

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I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my…

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More by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give…

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what…

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.