Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch... — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
