My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't… — Milton Berle Copy Share
