““At least let me now deceive myself with illusions so as not to feel my empty life. And yet I came so close so many times. And yet how paralyzed I was, how cowardly; why did I keep my lips sealed while my empty life wept inside me, my desires wore robes of mourning? To have been so close so many times to those sensual eyes, those lips, to that body I dreamed of, loved. To have been so close so many times. September 1903””