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- Weather forecast for tonight: dark. — George Carlin
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell… — Ellen DeGeneres
- I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And… — Paul Simon
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Lmfao — Kemis Khan