Russell Howard

I'm trying to write a film with my friend. I'd love to get the thrill of speaking actors making my work even…

— Russell Howard

Britain is perceived as a laughing stock and a mess. It's a very scary and divided place.

— Russell Howard

The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things.

— Russell Howard

I don't want to do a rabidly left-wing show. I think it's much more interesting to turn the knife on yourself.

— Russell Howard

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

— Russell Howard

I broke my wrist on TV trying to do a one-armed push-up. A lot of people delight in pointing this out to…

— Russell Howard

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me!…

— Russell Howard

I worked in a watercress bed, picking weeds out of watercress when I was at school. It was awful.

— Russell Howard

Mumbai was magical, which I was really surprised by, and I got an insight into the world of Bollywood while hanging out…

— Russell Howard

I buy a lot of Liverpool trinkets. I've got Philippe Coutinho's boot - I spent three grand on that. Which, you know,…

— Russell Howard

It's a bit of a cliche but throughout London, even in places like Notting Hill, you'll see utter luxury alongside council flats…

— Russell Howard

There's a lot of brilliant comics who are amazing, but you can see them doing the same 20 minutes that they were…

— Russell Howard

I wanna be incidental characters in 'Only Fools and Horses,' that would have been good. I wouldn't mind playing Trigger, Trigger would…

— Russell Howard

Chappelle is incredible. He is comfy on stage and he talks about big things and small things. He's a version of himself.…

— Russell Howard

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard'…

— Russell Howard

I get panic attacks about dying, it's terrible. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain goes…

— Russell Howard

Because I don't wear a suit, and have such a horrible boy band face, people assume that I'm not doing satirical material.

— Russell Howard

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

— Russell Howard

Question Time' is a nice forum for reasoned political debate. There's no point having me on there trying to crack jokes.

— Russell Howard

Sometimes I skip breakfast, pop to the butcher and get sunburned while cooking meat.

— Russell Howard

I don't want to be one of those comics who says, 'Hey, what's wrong with air travel?' and stuff like that.

— Russell Howard

I'll sit down for 'Stranger Things' or 'The Handmaid's Tale' - or a really good documentary.

— Russell Howard

I did a stand-up performance on Conan O'Brian, which was great, but it's not for me. I prefer England.

— Russell Howard

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

— Russell Howard

If you're doing 70 gigs in a tour, there's a lot of responsibility. People need a big night out, and you're providing it.

— Russell Howard

I'm really not into technology at all. My brother has to plug the Xbox in for me.

— Russell Howard

I've been doing stand-up for 15 years and I've never even been invited to the Comedy Awards! How mental is that?

— Russell Howard

I don't really have a political agenda, I just like things to be fair - I get angered by pomposity and privilege.

— Russell Howard

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

— Russell Howard

I always found it strange, when I went round to other people's houses for tea and that, how strict their parents were.

— Russell Howard

I like New York, I think you've got some of the best comics in the world here.

— Russell Howard

Real life is hard. I'm sorry, but shopping at Tesco is not as much fun as writing jokes for TV shows, and…

— Russell Howard

I'd been writing jokes since I was 16, not very good ones though, but I was always trying to make my mates laugh.

— Russell Howard

If you want any attention in the Howard household, you have to shout quite loudly and try to develop a personality.

— Russell Howard

I find it really weird, when I'm shopping in Tesco, the amount of times I have people like: 'What you doing in…

— Russell Howard

If I was to get into Twitter I'd expose myself to people who adore me or people who absolutely hated me. Neither…

— Russell Howard

Los Angeles feels empty and overrated. I struggle with it as a holiday destination. It's the sort of place where you need…

— Russell Howard

The Edinburgh Fringe is a tough beast and you do whatever you can to get through it. But it's really the worst…

— Russell Howard

I do cryotherapy, which is where you're in minus 70 and you have three minutes of deep freeze and your body thinks…

— Russell Howard

It's just a joy travelling with your job. You get to wander around these interesting cities and then things happen or you…

— Russell Howard