Robert Orben

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

— Robert Orben

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

— Robert Orben

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

— Robert Orben

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

— Robert Orben

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

— Robert Orben

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

— Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

— Robert Orben

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

— Robert Orben

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you…

— Robert Orben

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in…

— Robert Orben

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine…

— Robert Orben

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make…

— Robert Orben

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like…

— Robert Orben

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a…

— Robert Orben

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a…

— Robert Orben

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality'…

— Robert Orben

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

— Robert Orben

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

— Robert Orben

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

— Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

— Robert Orben

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

— Robert Orben

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

— Robert Orben

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

— Robert Orben

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want…

— Robert Orben

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

— Robert Orben

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

— Robert Orben

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

— Robert Orben

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It…

— Robert Orben

To reduce stress, avoid excitement. Spend more time with your spouse.

— Robert Orben

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

— Robert Orben

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

— Robert Orben

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries…

— Robert Orben

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the…

— Robert Orben

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic…

— Robert Orben

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick…

— Robert Orben

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are…

— Robert Orben

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell…

— Robert Orben

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those…

— Robert Orben

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening…

— Robert Orben

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him…

— Robert Orben