Mallory Ortberg

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.

— Mallory Ortberg

Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!

— Mallory Ortberg

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

— Mallory Ortberg

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

— Mallory Ortberg

It can't hurt to have a backup.

— Mallory Ortberg

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

— Mallory Ortberg

Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.

— Mallory Ortberg

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.

— Mallory Ortberg

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

— Mallory Ortberg

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

— Mallory Ortberg

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

— Mallory Ortberg

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.

— Mallory Ortberg

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

— Mallory Ortberg

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

— Mallory Ortberg

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of…

— Mallory Ortberg

You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.

— Mallory Ortberg

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually…

— Mallory Ortberg

Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at…

— Mallory Ortberg

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry…

— Mallory Ortberg

You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject…

— Mallory Ortberg

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.

— Mallory Ortberg

You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very…

— Mallory Ortberg

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely…

— Mallory Ortberg

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave…

— Mallory Ortberg

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of…

— Mallory Ortberg

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at…

— Mallory Ortberg

I think that it's a great idea to have honest conversations about children before getting married. I also think it's impossible to…

— Mallory Ortberg

Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from…

— Mallory Ortberg

As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted…

— Mallory Ortberg

If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy…

— Mallory Ortberg

If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, "Yes,…

— Mallory Ortberg

o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly…

— Mallory Ortberg

“(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)”

— Mallory Ortberg

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

— Mallory Ortberg

Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.

— Mallory Ortberg

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

— Mallory Ortberg

Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

— Mallory Ortberg

I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.

— Mallory Ortberg

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

— Mallory Ortberg

Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.

— Mallory Ortberg