Lenny Bruce

Satire is tragedy plus time.

— Lenny Bruce

Communism is like one big phone company.

— Lenny Bruce

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

— Lenny Bruce

There are never enough I Love You's.

— Lenny Bruce

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

— Lenny Bruce

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.

— Lenny Bruce

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

— Lenny Bruce

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

— Lenny Bruce

“(On his addiction to opiods): I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.”

— Lenny Bruce

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

— Lenny Bruce

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

— Lenny Bruce

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

— Lenny Bruce

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is…

— Lenny Bruce

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,'…

— Lenny Bruce

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything…

— Lenny Bruce

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or…

— Lenny Bruce

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

— Lenny Bruce

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that…

— Lenny Bruce

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss.…

— Lenny Bruce

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of…

— Lenny Bruce

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is…

— Lenny Bruce

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as…

— Lenny Bruce

If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch.…

— Lenny Bruce

“…Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises and they give all these people different franchises in the…

— Lenny Bruce

I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then…

— Lenny Bruce

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us…

— Lenny Bruce

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.

— Lenny Bruce

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

— Lenny Bruce

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

— Lenny Bruce

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

— Lenny Bruce

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

— Lenny Bruce

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

— Lenny Bruce

“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.”

— Lenny Bruce

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

— Lenny Bruce

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

— Lenny Bruce

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

— Lenny Bruce

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

— Lenny Bruce

“If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say, "Fuck the government.”

— Lenny Bruce

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

— Lenny Bruce

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

— Lenny Bruce