Kevin Nealon

Marriage is great. It'll calm you down - that and neutering.

— Kevin Nealon

It seems like all the sitcoms on now, the families are kind of dysfunctional.

— Kevin Nealon

I like to stuff myself at Thanksgiving, not turkeys.

— Kevin Nealon

I've noticed a surge when I go out somewhere, or if I'm doing stand-up.

— Kevin Nealon

I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate.

— Kevin Nealon

Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing.

— Kevin Nealon

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.

— Kevin Nealon

Don't play dead with a vulture. That's exactly what they want.

— Kevin Nealon

I really like to read when I'm eating - 'The New York Times' or the 'Wall Street Journal,' paper version.

— Kevin Nealon

Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.

— Kevin Nealon

I don't mind seeing two guys kissing, you know, as long as they're clean-shaven.

— Kevin Nealon

If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said.

— Kevin Nealon

I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, 'Aliens in the Attic,' because it was shot in New Zealand and I got…

— Kevin Nealon

I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.

— Kevin Nealon

I have a severe addiction to 'Angry Birds.' I always tell myself, 'One more game...' But then there's always another and another…

— Kevin Nealon

I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description…

— Kevin Nealon

When I first began doing TV pilots, my expectations were high. I didn't understand that world. So when 'Weeds' took off, I…

— Kevin Nealon

I look back at 'Saturday Night Live' and I think, some people didn't like me doing 'Weekend Update.' Who cares? A lot…

— Kevin Nealon

I never really got into marketing. I went to school for it, but never pursued it once I got out. Instead, I…

— Kevin Nealon

When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley…

— Kevin Nealon

I played a security guard, and I think it was in the State Department. This was my first acting role, really, and…

— Kevin Nealon

I'd been doing some light-beer commercials for Budweiser and Coors, and I was doing stand-up comedy. I wanted to get into the…

— Kevin Nealon

I was never really an impressionist. If there was somebody within my range, maybe I could work on it and do a…

— Kevin Nealon

Standup really is a young man's game, a single young man's game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't single, it…

— Kevin Nealon

Roxanne came along in '86, when I was doing a lot of stand-up. I auditioned for the movie, and of course I…

— Kevin Nealon

Me and Conan O'Brien and Robert Smigel and Dana Carvey wrote a script called 'Hans and Franz: The Girlyman Dilemma,' and it…

— Kevin Nealon

What happened was, I always wanted to be a singer/songwriter kind of guy like a James Taylor or Crosby, Stills and Nash…

— Kevin Nealon

A whole generation of people that didn't know me from 'SNL' recognize me from 'Weeds' now. People recognize me once in a…

— Kevin Nealon

I was born in St. Louis; I lived there for three weeks and then my father graduated from St. Louis University, so…

— Kevin Nealon

A special validates you as a stand-up by documenting your material.

— Kevin Nealon

If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.

— Kevin Nealon

I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.

— Kevin Nealon

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

— Kevin Nealon

As an actor, you're always reading scripts looking for something good.

— Kevin Nealon

I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

— Kevin Nealon

As you get older, subconsciously you start thinking about mortality and protecting your offspring. It opens up a whole new avenue of…

— Kevin Nealon

The hardest thing about moving to California from Connecticut was just missing my family. If I went back, it would be just…

— Kevin Nealon

The good thing about 'Weeds' now is, I get to play some dramatic parts in that as well.

— Kevin Nealon

You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup.

— Kevin Nealon

It's kind of fun when you're playing characters that aren't quite on the up and up and people still like you.

— Kevin Nealon