Justin Halpern Quotes

34 quotes in 607 categories

• Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
• I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But…
• On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so…
• I was an angst-y journal writing kid.
• I almost feel like I'm unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.
• Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.
• Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with…
• I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he…
• I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but…
• I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with…
• The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online,…
• The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings…
• There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.
• You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
• People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their…
• Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but…
• The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but…
• That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for…
• You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
• The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

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