I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos. — Jimmy Fallon Color Copy Share Image
God invented mankind because he loved silly stories. Ralph Steadman I like being absurd. — Jimmy Fallon Absurd Copy Share Image
President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name ... headlights. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you… — Jimmy Fallon Exercise Copy Share Image
Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln … — Jimmy Fallon Abraham Copy Share Image
Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the… — Jimmy Fallon Arizona Copy Share Image
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. — Jimmy Fallon Catholic Copy Share Image
There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them. — Jimmy Fallon Jokes Copy Share Image
A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and… — Jimmy Fallon Action Copy Share Image
The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They… — Jimmy Fallon Aliases Copy Share Image
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it,… — Jimmy Fallon Blowhards Copy Share Image
Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options? — Jimmy Fallon Earth Copy Share Image
Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around. — Jimmy Fallon Apprentice Copy Share Image
I haven't been on a date in awhile. I went on maybe two dates in my whole life. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive. — Jimmy Fallon Being positive Copy Share Image
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
I feel like I'm being too Zen. I'm inhaling too much patchouli and incense. It's embarrassing. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
He man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of… — Jimmy Fallon Age Copy Share Image
I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason. — Jimmy Fallon Astronomy Copy Share Image
In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing. — Jimmy Fallon Moon Copy Share Image
